Children, like all mammals, are born completely dependent on adults for survival. The primary task of childhood is to grow increasingly independent of this care, and so they are also born with instinctive drives to practice independence to the degree that they can. The most powerful of these is the drive to play.
In play, children learn the most important lessons in life, lessons of personal empowerment, responsibility, and effective social engagement — and when we don’t let kids play on their own, we undermine this development.
The reasons children play
You can predict what young mammals will play at by knowing the main skills they must acquire to become independent adults. For example, predatory animals play at predation, and prey animals play at dodging and darting and getting away from predators. We humans have a longer juvenile period than do other mammals, and our young play in a greater variety of ways, because we must learn more than other mammals to succeed as adults.
Anthropologists have found that when children have ample freedom and time to play, they play at the full range of skills that are crucial to human development everywhere. They play in physically vigorous and risky ways and thereby acquire physical skills and courage. They play at building things and thereby exercise the parts of the brain and musculature involved in conceiving of an object and then creating it. They play with language, imagination, and logic and thereby become competent at these uniquely human abilities. They play games with rules and in that way learn to follow, modify, and create rules. They play with what they see are the primary tools of the culture in which they are growing and thereby become skilled at using those tools.
We undermine children’s play when we intervene, no matter how well intended.
Of all the skills that children develop in play, social skills are the most crucial. Regardless of what they are playing at, most children, most often, want to play with other children. From an evolutionary perspective, this is not surprising. We are a deeply social species. Our survival and wellbeing depend on our ability to get along with other people. It is no surprise, therefore, that Mother Nature (my anthropomorphic term for natural selection) implanted into our children’s brains, by way of their DNA, powerful drives to play with other children, preferably away from adults. Play with other children is how children learn to get along with others as equals, how they learn to make and keep friends.
We undermine children’s play when we intervene, no matter how well intended. The purpose of play is for children to practice independence, learn to solve their own problems, and learn from their own mistakes. In much of the rest of their daily lives, children are controlled by adults, but in play, they practice controlling themselves. In play, they are the adults. All that is lost when actual adults step in to correct them or solve their problems. Playworkers (professionals who facilitate play) in the U.K. have a great term for adult intervention in children’s play: the “adulteration” of play.
It is no wonder that children usually prefer to play out of sight and hearing of adults when possible. In fact, a review of studies aimed at learning how young children define play concluded that absence of adult control is part of their definition. For example, in a study in which four- and five-year-olds were shown pictures of children involved in what appeared to be enjoyable activities, most identified the activity as play if no adult was present and not play otherwise. Apparently, they assumed that if an adult was present, the adult was in some way controlling the activity.
How play satisfies basic psychological needs for children
Research has shown repeatedly that psychological wellbeing for all of us, regardless of age, depends on satisfaction of three basic psychological needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
To be happy with our lives, we need to feel that we are able (at least sometimes) to choose for ourselves what to do and how (autonomy), that we have the skills to do what we want to do (competence), and that we have supportive friends and colleagues (relatedness). For children, play is the primary means of satisfying all three of these needs, and adult intervention undermines these effects.
When adults step in and correct children or solve problems for them, their experience of competence is undermined. They feel belittled, not empowered.
Play is, by definition, an expression of autonomy. It is the doing of what one wants to do as opposed to what one feels compelled to do. In play, children choose and direct their own activities. That’s autonomy. When adults step in and exert control, they undermine children’s experiences of autonomy and turn play into something that is no longer fully play.
In play, children experience and exercise competence, that is, their skill at doing what they have chosen to do, their sense of improving those skills through their own efforts, and their ability to solve problems that arise. When adults step in and correct them or solve problems for them, children’s experience of competence is undermined. They feel belittled, not empowered.
Finally, play with other children is the primary way that children connect with their peers and make friends (relatedness). Indeed, for children under about age 12, a friend, almost by definition, is someone you play with. As children grow older, into their teenage years, friends take on further roles — as confidants, for example — but for younger children, a friend is first and foremost a playmate.
What children learn from one another
Children, of course, learn a great deal from adults. I don’t want to diminish the role of adults in children’s learning. But there are some things that children practice and learn better with other children than with adults, including:
How to communicate honestly
When adults talk with children, what they say is often didactic or condescending, not authentic two-way communication.
Consider, for example, the adult who asks a four-year-old, “What animal is that?” while pointing to a picture of a hippopotamus. That’s not an honest question. It’s a test. The adult knows perfectly well it’s a hippopotamus. A child would not do this to another child. If a child asked that question, it would be because the child really wanted to know the type of animal. Adults also often offer false praise, such as, “Oh, what a wonderful artist you are,” while looking at the child’s latest scribble. Children never give such false praise to one another unless they are being sarcastic.
Children communicate with one another largely in the context of play, and the communications have real meaning. They negotiate about what and how to play. They discuss the rules. They talk about what is fair or not. Social play requires authentic communication so that they can coordinate their activities. This is far better practice for future adult-adult communication than the kinds of “conversations” that children typically have with adults.
A research study in which preschool children’s vocalizations were recorded in various settings revealed that their speech was more complex, sophisticated, and meaningful when they were engaged in fantasy play among themselves than when they were involved in a teacher-led activity or sitting around a table eating.
How rules work
A common difference between adults’ and children’s play is in their approach to rules. When adults play, they most often play games with pre-established rules, such as Scrabble or tennis, and they try to follow those rules as closely as they reasonably can.
In contrast, when children play, they more often create the game and make up the rules. Even when they play games that have official rules, if there is no adult present to enforce them, they often modify the rules and thereby create their own unique version of the game. This is one of the ways in which children’s play is usually more creative than adults’ play.
Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget noted in his book The Moral Judgment of the Child that children develop a more sophisticated and useful understanding of rules when they play with other children than when they play with adults.
With adults, they get the impression that rules are fixed, that they come down from some high authority and cannot be changed. But when children play together, because of the greater equality in their relationship, they feel free to challenge one another’s ideas about the rules. This often leads to negotiation and change in rules. They learn in this way that rules are not fixed by heaven but are human contrivances to make life fairer and more fun, and that they can be altered to better serve those ends. This lesson is a cornerstone of democracy.
How to treat others as equals
The main difference between adults and children that affects their interaction has to do with power. Adults, because of their greater size, strength, status, experience in the world, and control of resources have power over children. That means children’s interactions with adults are generally unbalanced across a large power gap. To become effective adults, children must learn to get along with others as equals. For the most part, they can only practice that with other children, not with adults.
To play with another child without adult intervention, each child must pay attention to the other’s needs, not just their own. They must overcome narcissism. They must learn to share. They must learn to negotiate in ways that respect the other person’s ideas. All this is true because children are always free to quit in play, and your playmate will leave if you treat them in ways that make them unhappy.
Getting along with others as equals may be the most important of all skills that human beings must learn for a successful life. Without this ability, it is not possible to have a happy marriage, true friends, or cooperative work partners.
The freedom to grow
As a society, we underrate the value of children’s play with other children, provide far less time and opportunity for it than children need for optimal development, and too often undermine it through “adulteration.” But play is where children learn the most important lessons in life — the ones that help them become competent, independent adults capable of thriving alongside others.
This article What children learn when adults aren’t around is featured on Big Think.
